Another shining example of American curiosity and ingenuity.
The following letter was sent to the Miller Brewing Company. Miller's
response is at the end.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beer for many years (actually, ever since that other
company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid-'80s).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but sometime in mid-1990 while in Honduras I
switched to Miller Genuine Draft (MGD) smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six
years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I
expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great,
smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so
to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature,
somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.
Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year.
That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design.
Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3 .Your beer is commonly consumed outside; thus, the container maybe exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
5 .The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the
contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is
significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the
change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in
Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma ( OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot,
this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are
having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a
problem, several other subjects and I conducted extensive experimentation. The results of
these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included
seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially
chilled to 38degrees and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These
beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD
drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The
length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject
determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient
temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type
Average Suckpoint (in Minutes)
Miller Lite (white can)
6.2
Bud (white can)
5.5
Bud Lite (silver can)
5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can)
4.4
Coors Lite (silver can)
4.1
Miller Genuie Draft (black can)
2.8
Coors (gold can)
0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except
for Coors, which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider redesigning your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are
not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer Drinker
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The Miller Brewing Company response. Apparently, they had a lot of fun
with this one.
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature
warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To
that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.
Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had
similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours
regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.
Now, it was our intention when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand
loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign
the can. You will be pleased to know that we have fired that idiot and he is now wreaking
havoc at a pro-gun-control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the
marketing idiot was also down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been an even bigger mistake. So,
we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between northern
beer drinkers and southern beer drinkers.
Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still
researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intention to have someone
take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine,
smooth, quick-drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow-sipping beers to that Sam
guy in Boston.
It is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as six minutes. However, may
we suggest that in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work around-the-clock to come up with a solution that
would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our
solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for
quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve
all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even
faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can,
tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer
at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shotgunning." You should like
the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that there might be other beer
drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers.
Let me assure you that I have our advertising department working on a campaign to solve this
problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control ,too. So, please use two hands
when firing.
